The Squirrel Interview

q. Lucky, How is your English? I am fluent in most animal languages including both the Gray and Red dialects of Squirrelish, so we could do this in your native tongue if you prefer...

a. JohnnyBoy, my English is, cheeepchh cheejje, only so so, sjjedk chhhheeee, so I'd prefer Squirrelish, thankyou very much, reejjjj.

q. That's great and we will have this whole thing transcribed into English for the website. But I must warn you, this is actually kind of embarrassing, not to come too close to me. I have great respect for you and your ideas, but part of me keeps fantasizing about BITING AND VIOLENTLY SHAKING YOU. Damned animal instincts and all!

a. (Laughs) Not a bit of it, JohnnyBoy! I'd be up a tree before you could get within 10 feet of me! Please don't be embarrassed, it's not your fault your half terrier!

q. As you know, Dean Moughalian is an honored member of Rusty Scupperton's "Kitchen Cabinet". He is so impressed with what you have been able to accomplish for the Yankee organization, he wondered if maybe there might be a future for you in the Scupperton Administration. He asked me to feel you out a little bit. tell us a little about your recent fame.

a. I have enormous respect for Mr. Moughalian and am honored that he would think of me in this political context. As you know, whenever I appear in Yankee Stadium, the ballteam wins. The New York Post has written about me in a very positive context. Sadly, the Times has called me, "the squirrel Ratatosk of Norse myth" and indicated that I might be a harbinger of doom. Teddy Kider wrote on August 30th, "Believe it or not, the squirrel's actions closely resembled those of Ratatosk, or 'gnawing tooth,' a squirrel in Norse mythology that climbed up and down a tree that represented the world. Snorri Sturluson, an Icelandic scholar and poet, recorded the story in his 13th-century work 'Prose Edda.' As the story goes, Ratatosk carried insults as it traveled to opposite ends of the tree, fueling a rivalry between the evil dragon residing at the bottom of the tree and the eagle perched at the top. 'The dragon will destroy the world in Norse mythology,' said Roberta Frank, a professor of Old Norse and Old English at Yale University, adding that the eagle would be on the losing end of a battle that was only made worse by the malicious squirrel. "

q. (Laughing) Well those of us in the Scupperton camp tend to be pretty dismissive of religious ideologies, so we certainly won't hold the Times piece against you. What a load of nonsense, dragons, eagles, and the end of the world! Well Lucky my friend, Rusty has authorized me to make you an offer. We are going to make Environmentalism one of our Major Priorities once Rusty is President. He needs someone very in tune with the Natural World, someone who not only "Talks the talk" of ecological awareness but "Walks the walk", or in your case "Scampers the scamper". How would you like to head up Interior?

a. JohnnyBoy, I need a little time to think it over and talk to the family back in the nest. But I am very honored and want you to PLEASE express my profoundest gratitude to Mayor Scupperton. Just out of curiosity, what would my paygrade be if I were to accept?

q. Lucky, let's just say that you'd be fixed for life as far as acorns go. It has been a real pleasure talking to you.

a. Back at you JohnnyBoy. By the way, on a personal note, you're the first dog that I have ever felt any real affection for. I have a feeling we will be working together for years to come!